How To Survive a School Hallway (from Sparknotes)
Ah, the hallway! Home to the most bizarre, hilarious, and tragic events. (As we know, Zhong Xing Buildings Hallways are not wide enough even for two people going in two different directions. ) https://community.sparknotes.com/2010/05/03/how-to-survive-a-high-school-hallway When it's rush hour on the road, you get a fender bender. But when it's rush hour in the halls, you get an all-out blood bath. To help you avoid injury, I decided to share my guide to maneuvering the halls in a public high school. 1. The Situation: 4-foot-wide hallway plus 3,000 students leaving 4th period equals crying for your mommy in the fetal position, especially if the student maneuvering next to you happens to be Big Joe, the 350-pound football player whose chest is so muscular that he cannot see any student under 5' 5" walking beside him. 2. The Situation: The STAIRS *insert horror movie shriek here.* At the bottom, you look up and think, "Okay, I can do this." Halfway up, you start to get nauseated due to lack of available oxygen. Someone get some trees in here ASAP! (C'mon, guys, didn't you learn ANYTHING from the photosynthesis unit?) By the time you've reached the top, your nose is bleeding from the high elevation, you're tired from the 20 minute snail-paced trek to the top, and your class is still miles away. 3. The Situation: Heavy traffic can be—no, IS—scary. In civilized society, cars have stoplights to tell them when to stop or go. In high school, no such thing exists. Remember that time you had to go to the nurse because of the little mishap around the corner from your English class? See, now you're nodding your head. You know what I’m talking about. 4. The Situation: With all of the contact you have with your classmates, it's a miracle that the entire school hasn't contracted influenza (yes, that's where "the flu" comes from). Especially when you see that sneezing germball radiating filth in the middle of the gridlock of students. Take a minute to imagine all of the lethal germs that you encounter with just one breath. On second thought, don't imagine that. Congratulations, you have completed the guide on how to maneuver high school halls. Now go forth and conquer! Or at least survive.*I am not responsible for the failures of any of these methods. If they failed to work, or get you injured by any parties affected, please don't sue me.*
How to Deal: Buy one of those flashing police lights and run down the hallways shouting, "Wweeeeewooooooweeewoooooo! We have an emergency! Step aside!" Sure, you may get a few funny glances, but look on the bright side—at least you're the first one to lunch!
How to Deal: Whenever you go to a concert, the really cool, adventurous lead singer will often end with a big bang by crowd surfing. Well, you're really cool and adventurous too, right? So why not try it? At the bottom, jump up onto the flow going upwards. Thinking they are in a rock concert (silly high school kids), the other students will gladly hand you up to the top, cutting several hours off of your commute and leaving everyone chanting your name. (Win/win!)
How to Deal: Master the Push and Weave Method. It has taken months of agonizing training, but I have finally mastered this technique: When you want to go north (sorry to go all geography on you, but bear with me) and there is a herd of people going west-to-east in front of you, first look for the slightest bit of an opening. This is commonly found around that guy who doesn't shower. If that's too much of a risk, try to go between to catty girls who happen to be enemies (this is actually very common. Be sly and you won't get caught in the crossfire of hate.). Next, take a deep breath and charge through, giving one big shove if necessary. A catchphrase is necessary to get the full thrill of success. Something like, “I LOVE PIE!" or, “BIOLOGY, HERE I COME!" are perfectly suitable for the situation. After your first big push, everyone will have respect for you (or hate you, but still, the effect's the same), and they'll leave you enough room to weave your way to the light at the other side of of the pack.
How to Deal: Lysol + face masks + gloves. Sterile body suit is optional. As you walk (or rather "push and weave"), hold a can of Lysol up in the air as high as you can. Then, as soon as you catch the sight of a sick student, spray and keep on spraying until nobody is in sight. This ensures that you and everyone within 5 feet of you will be 99.9% germ free, like the commercial says. Sure, the chemicals sting your eyes and make you gag, but that's a small price to pay for cleanliness, don'tcha think?